Living Happiness

It’s Sunday morning here in Crete, and I am sitting, listening to the rain falling, and trying to breathe. Of course, the natural, involuntary breathing, well … that’s happening. Air is still coming in and out of my lungs, and I haven’t keeled over yet from forgetting to remind myself to do this. But the other kind of breathing, the breathing that lets me “be,” the breathing that fills me up and drains me out … well, that’s what I’m having a problem with.

I woke up this morning tense, anxious. Even though it’s a Sunday, and the most I have to do today is relax (not really … but we can pretend this is mostly true), even though it’s Shabbas, well … my heart feels differently. And apparently it’s speaking to my lungs.

My heart races, my muscles tense up, and I find myself holding my breath. “Breathe,” I command myself, when I realize this is happening. “Let go and breathe in big!” I do this, only to find myself holding my breath again a few moments later. It is no wonder that the rest of me is as tense as a kettle drum.

This is how I’ve felt since I started this blog. I began it for me and as a response to what I felt was a clear omen of what I was supposed to do. But instead of appreciate it for what it is, my space, I am suddenly plagued with doubts and fears. What if other people don’t like it? What if other people don’t see it? What if I look like someone’s big fool? And even though I imagine these are only natural questions, the same thing every new blogger must ask herself, I have to remind myself: “This is for you, Chania Girl. This is for you. Breathe!”

True, but … isn’t it the nature of a blog to be for you, too? Where do I find the balance?

I read something recently (something that I’d read before in the past as well) that said that what lives on in a writer’s words are not the generalizations, the general statements of truths. Rather, the more specific a writer is, the more mundane the subject matter, the more life it has. In my mind, I can acknowledge this to be true, but in practicality I find myself asking, “‘Really? People want to know what I had for breakfast this morning?” (Quiche lorraine and fruit salad, by the way, with vanilla-hazelnut coffee.)

Well, we shall see. Only time will tell.

For now, I will concentrate on my breathing–breathe in, breathe out (it’s getting better since I’ve started writing this post)–and will try to go and enjoy this Shabbas. The rain is falling. The air is cool. And I feel an afternoon of quiet jazz coming on.

Om shanti.

Namaste.

Peace be with you.