Living Happiness

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, I kept the commandments, of which there were many. Not just the 10 main ones we all know of, but a whole bunch of other ones, too, including:

« Thou shalt not beg off a party just to stay home and read a book — even if it is more fun than three hours of small talk with people you don’t even like.

« Thou shalt not not go to the gym, or your ass will pay for it later.

« Thou shalt not say what you really think but, instead, what will get you in the least amount of trouble.

« Thou shalt do your best in everything because to do less than that is unthinkable, and the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

And on and on.

I grew up on a strict diet of Thou Shalt and Thou Shalt Nots, primarily owing to the fact that I grew up in a strict religious home of both the evangelical and pentecostal persuasion. Guilt was, of course, the side-dish that came with everything.

The Thou Shalt and Thou Shalt Not meal on which I frequently dined did not limit itself to the Basic 10–first and foremost of the food groups. It also expanded outward into other codes of conduct: job, dress, dating, boys, socializing, dealing with your elders, dealing with yourself, housekeeping, etc. I walked around most of the time with a list of “Have To’s” in my head: I have to do this, I must do that, I can’t not do that. Needless to say, I also walked around most of the time miserable. Somewhere I was always forgetting a rule. Or blatantly ignoring it and then suffering the pangs of “Oh, no! What will happen now?” thoughts. It was all very healthy, I assure you.

Fortunately for me, one day I met someone who had the gall to say to me, “No, you don’t have to!”

“What?! Me not have to do something?!” I answered back, “What do you mean?”

The person galling me was my therapist, and what she went on to say made a lot of sense. Very few of us have to do all of the things that we say we have to do. Are there things that it’s a good idea to do? Yes. Are there things that it’s better for us to do than others? Yes. Are there things that might produce more desirable outcomes than others? Yes. But are these things that we have to do? No.

This got me thinking. And I realized that, when I got right down to it, there were very few things in my life that really had to be done. Of these were essentially the ones that would keep me alive:

« Eat

« Drink water

« Sleep

The rest was all fluff, really. And even the eating, drinking water, and sleeping tasks were things I could choose not to do. At great detriment to myself, of course, but I could in fact choose not to do them.

And this was when I had my epiphany. Most of these “commandment” lives we lead deprive of us of two things:

1. Our sense of free will

2. Our sense of ourselves

When we are given a list of Thou Shalts and Thou Shalt Nots, life is easier. More miserable maybe, but easier. It takes the guesswork out of decision making: “What is it you’re asking me to do? Oh, yes. That’s right. That’s on my Thou Shalt list. Sure, yep, I can go along with that.”

It also deadens us to knowing what we really want. The question, “What do I want to do?” has no place in the lexicon of Commandment-ville. It’s not about what I want to do, it’s about what I have to do, whether I like it or not. But … who says?

And this is where we get down to brass tacks. After my conversation with my therapist (actually, after many conversations with my therapist) and more mulling over my epiphany, I realized that there’s nothing innately “wrong” with these commandments themselves as long as the conclusions they present are conclusions I myself can reach in my own life. That is to say, if I begin to question my drive to do or not to do something and can come to my own understanding that, “Yes, Chania Girl, eating is in your best interest today,” then by all means I embrace it. But the point is, I know why I am embracing whatever it is I’m embracing. And … I don’t make it a commandment. I look at it instead as taking some good advice.

A lot of my decisions used to be based on guilt and the “have to” world of Commandment-ville. These decisions were, therefore, based primarily in fear–fear of what would happen if I did or didn’t do this or that.

When I had my epiphany, I realized that there was a better place to operate from–a place of love.

Now when I am confronted with decisions and must contemplate what route to take, I ask myself: “What do I really want to do?” If the answer is hard for me to reach, I rephrase the question: “What would I most regret not doing?” I usually find that I can then make a clear decision, based in love. And no guilt or fear is involved at all.

I am not saying these things to disparage “the rules” we live by. By I do believe that what is important is not the rules themselves but the spirit behind them. Sadly, most of us spend our lives obeying (or disobeying) rules with no thought as to why, and living lives propelled by fear and anxiety rather than love, forgiveness, and acceptance.

This is why you will never find on my page a 10 Commandments For Loving Yourself or a 15 Rules to Live By To Create a Happier You.

Your journey is uniquely yours. It is a journey of honoring yourself and making choices that benefit you. It is a journey that can be made in love. If you choose for it to be.

Om shanti.

Namaste.