25 July 2009
flickr photo by jespisDear friend:
It has been a long time since I've talked to you. I mean really talked to you. And your silences over the last few weeks have shown me that you, too, have noticed and missed our time together. I don't blame you. I can't blame you. I would feel the same way were I in your shoes. But I hope we can mend things.
It has been a long, hard summer for me. Do you know this? Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. Maybe you've reached the point where you think, "Sure I understand, CG, but it's not all about you all of the time, now is it?" Well … you'd be right about that, too.
Anyways, since it's been so long since we had a good catch-up, I would like to tell you about my summer. It's not that I haven’t wanted to share it with you in the first place, it's just been very hard to do so.
As you know, I came back here to the States for a three-month stay. Did you know that this is the first time in three years I'd been back? Did you also know this wasn't really a trip I wanted to take? Yes, it's true. If I'd had my druthers, I would have been in Crete this summer, making my new home a home and spending glorious time with my beautiful fiancé. But I am not there, and I did not have my druthers. Why? you might ask. Well, the truth is I had to come back in order to be married legally in Greece. And there were no shortcuts to my time here -- three months it must be with no ifs, ands, or buts. It has sucked.
Don't get me wrong. There are definite perks to being back. For starters, I can walk into any shop and speak to anyone at any time, and whoever it is understands what I'm saying. This saves me so much time, and it's so nice to make a joke and have someone understand my humor. I was beginning to think I just wasn't funny any more! :)
It's also been nice to see people I long haven't seen, to know that they're just down the street or a car-ride away. When an ocean's been between you, this can't be appreciated enough. And I've enjoyed having coffees, seeing movies, and going to cookouts on a warm summer evenings with friends.
But maybe you didn't know that it's also been hard for me to discover that people don't really care all that much about my stories, that very few of them really want to see my pictures, and that a lot of my friends are even less enthusiastic to share about themselves. Conversation eventually falters. I cast about for things to say. We say our "see you laters" and I know it's probably the last time we'll see each other for a very long time.
It has been a lonely summer for me. Does this surprise you? It has surprised me, too. I have often tried to find things to do to while away the hours, but when I only have one online course to teach and no one is hiring (even in the service sector) because of a sluggish economy, this is a task that has been hard to do. Because you are compassionate, you can probably imagine then that this makes my homesickness for G all the more poignant. He is my best friend, and he is now two plane rides, an ocean, and a sea away.I can see you're wondering, though, "But if this is true, then why I haven't seen more of you? Shouldn't this have given you more time for me?"
You are right, of course. Yes, it should have. But I just haven't known how to be with you. For, you see, for me to have my relationship with you, I feel that I need to have something to give to you. And this summer, I have felt that I've had very little to give. I have needed you, wanted your company, but I have had no token to offer you in exchange for your kindness. And in recognizing this, I have sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously pushed you away.
You have not done anything wrong. You are beautiful as always. But I have needed this time for myself, to replenish my stores, to deal with a sea of sediment that has been stirred up by my return here and is still in the process of settling. I have wanted to share this with you just as much as you have probably wanted to hear it, but I have not been able to articulate most of it, even to myself. Had you been able to physically come over, you would have seen our evening to be one of lopsided conversation. I would have been bad company. You would have gone home early, fed up with having to carry the entire discussion. Would you really have wanted this?
flickr photo by ashley rose,I have learned much about myself this summer--some of it good, some of it not-so-good. I have had days where I have been full of boundless energy and my usual dose of optimism, but I have had just as many (if not more) days where it has been a struggle for me to get out of bed, where my day has been a battle between what my body wants to do (positively nothing) and my mind urges me to do (tasks, errands, anything to keep a routine and stay on track). You could probably accurately say I've been depressed. And probably, in the goodness of your heart, you may wonder why I didn't come to you with this. And I understand this, too.
I didn't come to you because I knew what you were going to say. Or … at least I thought I knew what you were going to say. You have been so wise, so caring, so present for so long. I have heeded your words and read your thoughts so often that I felt I knew your answers without even having to ask my question. This wasn't fair to you, I know. No one wants someone else to put words in their mouth for them or deprive them of their chance to have a say. You're right. And for that, I'm sorry. I've probably done us both a disservice by remaining mum, but I honestly thought it was for the best. That and I just haven't had the gumption to do otherwise. I do apologize to you for keeping you out of the loop and for perhaps depriving you of your own chance to give (something you love to do!) and, therefore, be the blessing you want (and love) to be.
I don't know where we go from here because I still don't know how much I have to give you, or even that I can give at all. I am slowly regaining ground, the sediment of my internal sea is finally settling, and I am beginning to feel like my old self again. But it may be a while before I feel strong. Can you understand this and be patient?
I did want you to know I've missed you. And I wanted you to know why I've been so "absent." It is not because of anything you've done, and if you can think of a way that we can begin reconnecting again, I would open to hearing it. I look forward to what you have to say.
With lots of love,
flickr photo of dog at seaside by Ingrid0804
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15 comments:
Oh CG! This made me want to just hug you. Any true friend will understand. I know that I do. Your letter was so heartfelt, honest and filled with love. I am grateful to have read your words this morning.
I loved your letter! :) Thanks for sharing what you've been dealing with. As Tabitha noted, any true friend would understand and as someone who's been following your blog for awhile, I totally understand why you haven't been writing as frequently. It's wonderful that you took the time to write this letter. I'm sure it means a lot to all of your readers.
You are such a sweetheart -- such an honest, true soul. Never could I (or others) be mad at you for taking this time for yourself. From the posts that you have written this summer, it's been apparent that you've been doing some serious soul-searching. If people can't understand that, then they shouldn't be reading in the first place.
We're here for you, whenever you're ready. Also...as for being more of a "lurker" than a commenter on my blog, no worries. Sometimes, I find it much easier to just read and not participate. I understand.
Hugs to you, my friend.
I just lost a huge long comment when AOL crashed, so the universe is telling me to keep it short.
You know I'm here. I also understand that there's something about the quality of Greek light and life, and finding love there, that can make life seem that wee bit greyer when we're exiled - even without all the other stuff that's been happening and the very real sadness of being parted from G.
You'll be home soon; just keep writing your way through. You'll find that your readers were never very far away and that your friends were always there.
This is beautiful, really beautiful. As others have said, your true friends will understand and support you. I know I do.
Love always,
Jay
Hi CG,
I do know what you're going through. I believe what has happened is you've out grown your old friends. It has happened to me just moving from MI to AZ!
It's sad but remember when someone leaves your life it makes room for some one else.
Also when you let go of a friendship you are giving the other person a gift because you are giving them room for a new person in their lives as well.
Remember this too shall pass and you're as beautiful as those flowers you have plastered all over this blog! Bright and pretty!
@Tabitha: The virtual hug you sent did me good ~ you have a gift for knowing what will. :) Thank you.
@Positively Present: PP, you have been a constant source of support since (almost) Day One of this blog. Thank you for this and for the encouragement you give. Also, thank you for understanding. :)
@Kirwin: Like Positively Present, you've been around since Day One. In fact, I think it's because of you that I found PP! Thank you for your support and for your understanding and for the encouragement you sent today. And just like with Tabitha, I gladly embrace the virtual hugs you send -- thank you!
@Janice: I think you hit something there, Janice, that is a bit true for me: there is a quality of light and life in Greece that makes things seem more bearable, or less permanent sometimes. It has a dreamlike quality to it ... so much so that sometimes I am scared it all was a dream, and now I have woken up. Horrible, huh?
Thank you for your caring and understanding and your friendship. Still hoping to see you and your crew in October ... .
@Jay: You bring light into my world, Jay, and for that reason alone I am glad you are my friend. That ... and we share similar bug tendencies ... :)
@Tess: Tess, it is always a delight for me to find you here. It brings me joy. Thank you for touching on something I really hadn't thought about but which is probably very true here. And you are so right to point out that these losses are not bad things: they simply make room for the other things that are ready to come into our lives. Thank you for this insight and reminder.
It's always hard to go back, Chania Girl, even if you WANT to. As Tess said, things change. We grow, shifting in subtle ways, just enough that a fissure opens between the people we are now and who we were then. And we must always remember, just as you and I have changed, so have our old friends. New horizons beckon each of us every day. When we remain together, we can reach for the newness together. It takes an incredibly strong friendship to leap across the distances if we move forward without constant connection. That's exactly why lifelong friendships are so rare. It's all as it's supposed to be.
While I feel for your experience, you should know that you're doing SO fine! Really, you are. Hugs to you, always.
I think you are quite the giver - maybe you don;t need to give too much all the time. people are happy to give too you know! receive a little! xxx hugs
CG, a big hug to you all the way from Aus (hope you get it).
I totally understand how things with friends are different. I found that too when I came back home. It's hard to relate to them and them to you. You've changed, they've changed and circumstances have changed.
I've drifted away from many of my old friends. The ones I haven't drifted away from are the ones where time, geography and life shifts don't seem to break our bonds.
I know discovering your friendships have changed is weird, sometimes lonely and a little disconcerting but the dust will settle and of the true friends left standing, you'll have a deeper bond and appreciate them even more.
Take care of yourself.
@Julie: Julie, thank you for the lovely comment. What you say is so true, but what really touched me were your final three sentences. I don't feel like I've been doing so fine, but thank you for this. Thank you!
@getting stuff done: You are one intuitive woman, GSD. Do you know I had someone else tell me this recently too? I don't feel like I'm a giver. I feel like I take way too much. But ... maybe you're right. And maybe the other person is, too. Thank you!
@Sami: I know you can understand because you've experienced some of these same feelings, and there's comfort in that (and in the virtual hug too) - thank you.
Chania Girl,
You are a beautiful soul, and this I've noticed from our first passing. And I hope you know how much your happiness and joy means to me. I know this has been a difficult time, and I hope you also know how much I care.
Today, I'm here to give you a hug, and a shoulder to lean on. Know that I'm here, my friend.
With much caring,
Lance
@Lance: Lance, thank you for your compassion and your caring. But most of all, thank you for your eternal hope and optimism. It radiates out from you, across your blog, across others blogs and lands on all of us in a wonderful way. It has buoyed me this summer as I have "lurked" more than I've commented. Is such a gift to know you.
Hello Chania Girl. Thank you for your heartfelt letter. You can't give away what you don't have, so just take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you. Your "friend" will understand. I know I do. Sending huge hugs your way.
@Lori: Thank you, Lori. I hope you've enjoyed your time away and gotten the rest and replenishment you've needed. It was good to see you again today. The hugs are always appreciated. :)
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