12 August 2009
As some of you already know, one of my goals during this summer interlude of mine has been to shed a few pounds (or a few kilos, to those of you in the metric world), for I had settled into a somewhat fluffy body in my last few months in Crete, an obvious by-product of a suddenly-more-sedentary lifestyle and an apparent silent acquiescence to what people call The Love Pounds. And despite my knowledge of this extra fluff and desire to do something about it, my efforts were less than stellar … especially after my own fiancĂ© said things like: But if you lose weight, you might not be so cuddly. Thank you (?), honey?
Anyway, suffice it to say that even though my primary mission this summer has been getting legal paperwork in order for our wedding, my one very practical side mission has been to lose 6 kilos and find my less fluffy self. To friends, I have even actually cheekily dubbed my quest the Become a Bronze Goddess Summer Beauty Program. And here, at the almost-end of summer, I can honestly tell you that my bronze-ness is somewhat more akin to brass, and I am not so much goddess as a possible Lady (erm … Goddess?)-in-Waiting.
In these past three months, I have tried to make it a priority to visit the gym several times each week. And since every workout includes cardio, and since I get bored with cardio unless I've got something to occupy my mind, this means I have read a lot, I mean A LOT, of magazines this summer, two of which were the topic of an earlier summer post.
So you should not be surprised that, three days ago, I was on the elliptical trainer reading Oprah's magazine O. And, surprise surprise, I came across an article that made me go hmmm. It was about this topic: Maybe we shouldn't be worried about how we look but instead focus on how we see.
Now, this is probably something all of you already know, because I have lately come to realize that my readers (you) all seem to be a lot smarter than I am. You could say that sometimes I'm a bit slow on the uptake. Actually, you probably have said it. To each other. But don't tell me. I don't want to know. I would rather be your clueless, blogger friend on this point.
Anyway, I felt like this article may as well have been writ large in the sky, so profound was this concept to me. Not worry about how I look? Not obsess over every calorie, every gram of carbohydrate? Not take my measurements religiously, as if the lasagna I guiltily ate for supper would suddenly appear on my form four hours later? What? How could anyone speak such heresy? But it hit me in the face like a splash of cold water: "CHANIA GIRL, CHANGE THE WAY YOU SEE!"
flickr photo by mcoop13I have a confession to make: For most of my adult life, I have stood before mirrors and never been quite content with what stared back at me. I look at my face first and wish I didn't have a weak chin when I'm not smiling. Then I look at my boobs and wish they'd show up already. I look at my waist and realize that I definitely inherited a pear-shape but didn't inherit the tiny waist that goes with it. I work my way down and bemoan the expanse of my hips and the fact that I am long-torsoed. I assess my @ss (pun intended) and find it falls short of smooth and perky and may perhaps be an "After" picture for what sitting bare-bummed in gravel can do to you. I glance at my thighs and wish the tops of them were skinnier. And on and on and on. (I do, however, actually like my feet.)
Suffice it to say that, even when at my thinnest and (as pictures would indicate) not overweight AT ALL, I have still managed to look in the mirror and find myself consistently lacking. I have held up a big, old standard of something to my body and, despite all its best efforts, pronounced it to be utterly disappointing and without grace. I have done this for years. I have looked at my body (through very faulty lenses, obviously) but I have not seen it.
When I realized this three days ago (on the elliptical trainer no less) I wanted to sit down and bawl right there. But I didn't, because I didn't want to be That Weird Girl At The Gym. I thought, "Oh, my. Why have I been doing this to you, Body, for so long? Oh, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me. What can we do to make things right?"
And, don't you know it, she answered back! "Tell me what you love about me," she said, "because I love you, and I need to hear it. "
flickr photo by gracelizabethIt broke my heart, but I knew she was right. At the end of the day, what is most important is much less how I look and far more How I See.
I have liked to congratulate myself on the fact that my "seeing" has definitely improved over the years. I'm much better now about being kind and generous in several facets of my life, more forgiving and loving to myself and others. But I see that I haven't yet extended this courtesy to my Body, who's about as close to me as anybody (hahaha -- anybody, get it?) can get. My mind knows, "Beauty is as beauty does," but this knowledge hasn't made it the very crucial 10 inches down from my head to my heart. Far too often, I have measured my self-worth in inches and centimeters rather than in the life and love in my life, the beauty of relationship, the wonder of my very own creative successes.
So, thanks to Oprah and her article in O and to my Body for piping up, I'm going to start making some changes. And the first thing I'm going to do is begin telling my Body what I love about her. And then I'm going to look at the demands I place on her in order to discover what makes her feel happy, alive, vibrant, and strong … and then start doing them! Call me crazy (okay, maybe you already do) but I have a hunch this will make the rest of me happy, too.
I think I'll start with my feet … .
Are there any areas in your life in which you still struggle with your "sight"?
Do you yourself cater more to how you look than how you see?
Can you relate to this post in any way?
How do you measure your self-worth?
Namaste and peace to all of you,
Opening photo credit ~ flickr photo by mcoop13
30 comments:
I could have written this article...word for word. I am very critical on my body. I wish I was above it...but I am not. I just saw some pics that were taken of me while on vacation and I wanted to cry. When did I get so big? My problem is that I am surrounded by the tiniest people. My in-laws are like 5 ft tall and Asian. So pretty much no body fat to be detected. I often feel the like the big pale giant next to them.
Needless to say, I have put some miles on my running shoes this week...
Honestly, I don't think I will ever completely love my body. It's just a fact of life for me. I am getting better at accepting...but to love everything...that's a stretch!
Like Caroline said, I related with this post so much that I feel as if it could have come directly from my heart. And, sadly, I think almost every woman I know could say the same thing. Even after all of my years studying gender in graduate school, all of my feminist believes, all of the many, many books I've read on body image and self acceptance, I stil struggle with the way I look. And, I'll admit, I'm not a bad looking person. There is no reason for me to obsess over my weight, but I do. There is no reason for me to feel unpretty, but I do. I really believe that a lot of it has to do with society, but, when it comes down to it, we have the power to change the way we look at ourselves and we have the ability to control what we see. I really hope that someday I will be able to look in the mirror and not see a single flaw. I hope the same for you (and women everywhere) too. Right now I'm reading a book called Girlosophy and it's been really inspiring for me. You should check it out!
Well, at the risk of upsetting a certain Greek prince, *I* think you are beautiful. And not just in the cheesy "everyone is beautiful on the inside" way, either. I mean, I think you're physically beautiful. Not just pretty or cute, but really beautiful.
I've heard it said that when women look in the mirror, they see things worse than they really are, and when men look in the mirror, they see things as better than they really are. There's a lot of truth in that. However, there's another truth hidden in that statement:
When we (men) look at you (the women we love) we see you better than you do. We don't notice your flaws; we don't critique your body. We just love what we see, because what we see is *you*.
Hi CG,
I wish you all kinds of peace and happiness and admire your honesty and openeness. For what it's worth, I think you - and Caroline - are lovely.
I take medication that keeps my body alive after having a tumour removed. It puts everything else into perspective.
@Caroline: Dearest Caroline, I love your beauty and your honesty and am so glad you left your comment today. Thank you for the frankness that you have and consistently share with all of us. Your story about your in-laws is so very similar to how I feel when I'm out with my Greek girlfriends: they're all these little, petite, brown, fashionable things, and I'm the great Anglo-Saxon giant in shrunken clothing next to them!
I am thinking that one of the best things I can begin doing with my body is something that I began doing in another area some years ago, and it's simply this: Stop comparing myself ... and learn to be content with what I have. This will be difficult, for sure, but worth doing? Probably yes:)
I am glad to know that you are another woman who's in this camp with me, and I'm sending you many hugs today. Slowly slowly (siga-siga, as the Greeks say), step by step to acceptance. We're all with you, girl. :)
@Positively Present: Beautiful Dani, Beautiful PP, you have given me the greatest gift. Thank you for what you've said -- ALL of it.
I have struggled over the years, too, to know where this discontent with myself springs from, even when I'm "at my best." And society definitely does seem to be a big influence, but there are times when it seems there's more to it than that, doesn't it?
I hope to be with you one day, standing in front of that proverbial mirror, not seeing flaws because we have learned that there are no flaws when it comes to how fearfully and wonderfully made we all are. What a day that will be, no?
Thank you for the book recommendation. I trust your judgment implicitly and am adding it to my wishlist pronto.
So many hugs being sent your way today.
@Jay: Dearest Jay, I forget that you have actually seen honest to goodness photos of me, so thank you so very, very much for your words and compliments. I was not fishing for them, but they do me good (as they would any woman).
What you say is so very true about how men and women view themselves. My fiance (and all past boyfriends, really) looks in the mirror and all but proclaims himself "Champion." Now, it is true that he's quite good-looking, but I think this is something he's probably been doing his whole life. Got a little extra around the middle? Nooooooo problem. Just going to step up the workouts at the gym and lay off the sweets for a while. Noooo worries. I could definitely take some tips from him.
But even more true than this is what you say at the end of your comment: G actually sees me far better than I do. He doesn't obsess about my flaws and when I try to point them out to him (because he is obviously blind), he still can't acquiesce my point. He doesn't critique me. He loves me, the whole me, and that goes a long way to keeping me beautiful in his eyes.
So, if he can see me through the eyes of love, isn't it about time I learn to do the same myself?
Thank you so very much for commenting here, Jay, and presenting a male perspective. Your presence is always a joy.
Hugs, my friend.
@Janice: So good to see you, my dear friend, and thank you so much for your kindness and generosity. You and Caroline and PP are all lovely to me, too.
I am glad that you shared your truth about being on medication that keeps you alive. At the end of the day, everything else surely becomes much less a priority than the fact that you are alive, breathing, and able to experience another day of the great beauty and majesty and mystery of what is all around us ... and within us. This is something I have been reminded of lately, and you reiterated it again here.
Thank you, Janice. Polla filakia, file mou.
first of all, thanks for you kind comment yesterday on my blog.
secondly, i was feeling ALL these thoughts yesterday! How did you know? every time I looked in the mirror i saw an ugly face looking back at me. At times, i have horrible self esteem. As the day went on, i realized that i was thinking too much about ME. Feeling self centered. When I take the attention off me and do other things (avoid the mirrors help too), i feel better. I know this is something I will always struggle with - i once had an eating disorder yet I don't like thinking these thoughts or even more passing these thoughts onto my daughters.
so, you are right - it is time for some improved self talk. Thank you for being so brave and posting your thoughts. i am with you.
As much as I hate to admit this I still struggle in this area. But, what you said about focusing on what you love about your body hit me like a ton of bricks!!
I believe that I'm beautiful, but sometimes I don't look deep enough. CG, thank you for your honesty.
CG, been there, done that. The fact that I don't anymore has everything to do with the fact that I'm about 1,000 years old (exxageration) and I now focus on things that are more important to me (happy, at peace, in love with Life). The amazing thing is, I can look in the mirror and see 'an older, more wrinkled me' than how I feel, but folks are always surprised when I tell them how old I am. So I guess my being at peace with the Inner Me somehow translates into the Outer Me that others see. Does that even make sense?
Hi Chania Girl!
What an amazing, yet another, reflective piece on your part!
You are just so honest, so out there, so real - I love it!!!
The article sounds fantastic and it is sooo true! So many people DO NOT see themselves for who they really are. In fact it almost seems not to matter sometimes whether we are skinny or attractive or obese, as people will still see in themselves what they want to see.
We need to start looking at ourselves more through the eyes of the SOUL, instead of the judgmental eyes of the physical world. So yes, do LOVE YOURSELF and each day focus on being grateful for something about your body, mind and spirit!
Aside from the inner component, I have to tell you, looking at just the health component here, the first thing that goes off inside of me when I hear someone struggling with weight, health, eating is to help.
Aside from my spiritual and personal development passions, my educational background is in holistic health and nutrition, so do let me know if there is any, any questions you have or in any way that I can help.
I will tell you, the best diet is no diet. It is not the carb counting and the dessert calories that will get us in the end, it is the overall picture.
I do not recommend any diets to people because they are short-term solutions. Instead if someone really wants to lose weight with guaranteed results, simply incorporate a more plant-based, non-refined diet.
Unfortunately animal products are a HUGE culprit in the weight gain of most people - we eat too many of those and not enough of fruits and veggies. (May sound like same old advice, but if you try it, you will see, it is so simple and yet so powerful)
Anyway, I will stop :) whew, you got me too excited!!
But do let me know again if there is any way that I can help :)))
Chania Girl,
“Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts.” ~ Robert Fulghum
That quote I used on my blog ( http://www.jungleoflife.com/2009/05/03/sunday-thought-for-the-day-50/ ) - really about what we say to other people, and how that can affect them, or vice versa. Something that came up, though, was the idea doing this to ourselves.
Powerful, in very difficult ways - when we beat ourselves up over what we think the "standard" should be.
You, my friend, are so so wonderful just the way you are. And it doesn't matter that you're a couple of pounds more than you want to be, you think your waist isn't the size you think it should be. What matters is that you're "you". That you care about your body, and not just the physical appearance - but more the genuine care of your whole body - and comes from the inside. I know you do.
And you ARE beautiful. And you could say that I'm just saying that. You could. I'm not. I mean that very much. And I think so much of that is from the light that shines from your soul - which only enhance your already outward beauty.
Chania Girl, your honesty here continues to pull very deeply at my soul - and reminds me just how much I value that in you.
So, my crazy friend...you're not really crazy at all (but it's still fun to call you that!).
Keep on being amazing...
Hola, CG - On the dirt committee (that's right we all still serve), my friends and I still struggle with this one, although the context is "who the hell is that old person in the photo/mirror?"
I've been on the receiving end after gaining the love pounds (love that!) from the dear in-laws. They're very thih, don'tcha know. Irony does prevail, though, as now they have stamina issues and are ill. A few more pounds would have served them better, methinks.
Lately for me it's been more about wanting to fit in the clothes I already have. So after Labor Day, the regimen begins. Again.
Lovely post, dear!
You need to save the comments from this post! I came back to see what your wise readers had to say and it's pretty amazing! I especially love Jay's & Lance's comments. Loving, kind and thoughtful. Isn't interesting how men see things so differently? I really do believe that it's other women that make us feel so self-conscious.
Think about it...when you go out, do you dress to impress the boys or your girl friends? I have never ever felt judged by men or my husband...he loves my body. But I absolutely feel judged by other women. I have witnessed other women "size me up." Seriously...the head to toe look over.
Aren't women supposed to the nurturing one's in our society? But when it comes to our body...we are down right catty!
Whoa...sorry for the rant, but this really made me think today.
@Denise ~ dmoms: Hello, my friend. It was so good to see you today and amazing to hear that you were having all these thoughts yesterday, too. Synchronicity perhaps?
You are so wise about so much of low self-esteem stemming from an absorption with ME. You are so right that it is much more difficult to feel this way when we are focusing on others, especially if we are serving them.
What you say about mirrors is right up there with me, too. I've seriously considered going without one for a month, kind of like a little experiment, and seeing how I feel. But I fear that might make applying my eyeliner a bit tricky. :) Still ... if we weren't surrounded by so many of them all of the time, I'm betting we'd go a lot easier on ourselves for sure.
Thank you for the insights you shared today. They enriched me and enriched the ongoing conversation here in these comments. We're in this together!
@Tabitha: Hello, my friend. Thank you for sharing today that you, too, have struggled in this area. Your honesty encourages me, as well.
@Jeanne: Yes! It totally makes sense! I'm a big believer in you're only as old as you feel and, I have to tell you, the people I know who are happiest with themselves and their lives always seem to look younger than they really are. It's true!
I'm so glad your voice is a voice of encouragement and cheer, that you've learned to love and accept yourself for who you are. It's refreshing and inspiring for many of my readers here today, including me. Thank you!
@Evita: Thank you so much for your offer of help! I love that this is something you are both passionate and knowledgeable about and, rest assured, if I have any questions in future, you may be hearing from me.
For the most part, I try to be holistic in my approach to food ... at least when I'm in Greece. Because we have an abundance of whole, natural foods very close to us every day. When I am there, it is much easier to make healthy choices that involve a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, nuts and olive oil.
But here in the States? My God, everything healthy like that is so damn expensive (pardon my language). I have to say, it angers me, and I wish it angered enough people that we would all do something about it and band together and insist that the priorities be the other way round: HEALTHY FOOD should be cheap and available FOR ALL and not a luxury for only the upper-middle and wealthy classes.
I guess I should get off my soap box now ... :D
@Lance: It tickles me that you call me your "crazy friend," so keep on doing it. G already tells me I'm goofy, and I love it and embrace it. I'd rather be goofy or crazy than "normal"--what's that? :D
Thank you, again, for the wise words you share with all of us. Words do break our hearts, and some of the worst words we use we save for ourselves. My God, if we spoke to half of our friends and family the way we speak to ourselves, we would have no relationships, not a leg to stand on. But we'd sure have plenty of enemies.
It sounds like you and several others here understand the value of holistic wellness and wholeness, of honoring all of ourselves and not just picking and choosing. It's encouraging to be reminded of it in your words, just as it was in the words of Jeanne and Evita.
Thank you for your comments today. They always brighten and enlighten. You're beautiful!
@Betsy: It was such a treat to see you hear today, Betsy, and I'm so glad you commented. I understand how you feel about the clothes in your closet. I've had that experience myself: to fit or not to fit ... or just suck it up and go buy new clothes. Either way, I'm glad to know that you're in the boat with what sounds like a lot of us, so maybe we should all start working together to steer it someplace more realistic and loving and accepting, dontcha think?
Thank you for your words.
@Caroline: Aren't Lance and Jay wonderful. I was so glad to read their input here today, as I'd really hoped that the piece wouldn't limit itself to just women and our issues: I think "seeing" is a problem that all of us have to some degree or other, perhaps not with our bodies but maybe in another area. And that was the true goal of my post.
At any rate, yes, sister, I do think we women can be the worst for putting each other down when shouldn't it be exactly the opposite? I never see or hear a man tear another guy to shreds about his bum or hair or clothes when he walks into a room, so why do we do it?
Oh hell yeah I can relate. I'm not sure there's a female alive that wouldn't (except maybe Heidi Klum).
I, myself, have been on a similar "criticism to compassion" journey with my bod. It was after moving to Canada that my attitude started to change. My initial focus was on survival (ie eating far less food due to lack of money, shovelling snow for cash, no wheels so walking everywhere, etc) but as I found my feet, it turned to more about fun and adventure (hiking, climbing mountains, skiing, snow shoeing, etc).
It dawned on me how my body got me through it all. It kept going, didn't pack it in and got me through some tough times (both emotionally and physically). And here I was berating it, criticizing it, abusing it. I wouldn't dream of treating my friends or family like that (or anyone for that matter). How is it I felt it OK to treat my body like that?
Anyways, we're friends now and I've come to appreciate and have compassion for my bod. We are far more in unison as a result.
There is no doubt you are a beauty (in many more ways than one) and it's SO awesome to see that you're starting to see that for yourself. There's not a greater gift you can give yourself.
Btw, don't underestimate the wisdom you share either. I, for one, ALWAYS learn from your posts. Some day I'd love to have a "real" conversation and a glass of vino with you! That would be too much fun. xxx
@Sami: It's a date, Sami. My fiance's from Melbourne and I've no doubt one day we'll be in Oz, and you better believe I'm looking you up and heading your way (I know ... it's like a gazillion miles and hours from Melbourne, but anyway ...).
Thank you so much for your words here and sharing your own struggle and your own triumphs with your concepts about your body. I love that Canada brought you back into your own skin, so to speak, in more ways than one. And I love what you share about how one day you weren't surviving anymore but were thriving and enjoying the fun and adventure of life ... and your body helped you do this all. This is a wonderful story for all of us to hear.
Thank you for the encouragement about my own journey (and what sounds like many other women's journeys, as well). I do feel beautiful today; I think it's because I'm loved. Actually, I know it is.
This is what I wish for all my readers.
Thank you, Sami. xo
After almost 50 years, I've come to terms with my body and accept it for what it is and what it does for me....all except for my face. When did it start looking so old? I have inherited deep frown lines and now look like my grandmother (who I always thought was angry).
I don't look in the full-length mirror so much anymore, but I certainly spend too much time in the 10X facial mirror. I wish I could embrace aging on the outside. It's just that what I see on the outside doesn't match how young I feel on the inside.
Very well said! And you know... by changing how you "see" and reaping the happiness from that... enters contentment and self-acceptance. I have a feeling that the scales will balance out naturally over time with this attitude.
I too have and still do wrestle with how I see myself. Never considered myself as a real beauty and it's been difficult at times. I'm finding that as I grow older it is less important to me. Funny how that goes.
@Lori: Hi, Lori. Yours sounds like a struggle a lot of we women have. When did the face in the mirror stop matching the face in our minds, our nighttime dreams? The beauty of your face, though, is the life you've lived. Each and every one of our lines shows that we've been engaged with the world around us. I cannot give advice. but I can give hugs. Thank you for being so honest and for sharing.
@Davina: It was good to see you today, and I'm hoping you're right. I've been doing a big battle lately with self-acceptance, but I hope to slowly begin showing my body the love I've been so good at showing others. Thank you for your words and for sharing a bit of your own experience.
I've never had to worry about my weight. I began running at age 27 and am 55 and weight what I did in my 20's. I could have wrote the book...the joy of running.
Stop looking at beauty magazines. Every stinkin one of them!
Take care...beautiful soul.
Oh my. Everything shared here was ringing loud and clear in my ears. I can relate to 99% of it, including a former eating disorder, the exception being Janice's medication. By the time I finished reading all the comments, I had nothing to add, except to thank you---from the bottom of my heart. This has touched a nerve, it seems, because overwhelming compassion has surprised me with instant tears of total understanding. But, hidden things can be transformed into happier wisps that drift away when brought to the light, so I thank you for turning a light into one of my secret places. Apparently, I've some perception issues still to dispense with, too. (I thought I'd taken care of them long ago!)
Tess's suggestion to ditch the beauty mags helps. It also helps to nurture only those female friendships that are deep rather than superficial. Competition breeds negative self-criticism; neither make friendly roommates.
Your beauty shines so strongly, within and without, that we all are effortlessly drawn to you. Granted we "see" you from afar so we don't see everything you do, but then, no one else sees us the way we see ourselves, do they? We see all those things we keep hidden from everyone, even our closest loved ones. It's those teeny tiny bits that we, somehow, allow to have such huge voices. I don't have the answers, but I do have many warm and loving hugs for you, filled with complete understanding.
@Julie: Thank you, Julie, for such a beautiful and honest comment. I love what you say: that "hidden things can be transformed" when brought into the light. This is so true!
I think all of us have perception issues in some areas of our lives. And you are right about friendships: it is far better for us to have deep, nourishing ones than superficial ones that have us constantly doubting ourselves.
I thank you for you’re your friendship and for its honesty and integrity. It is true, we are seeing each other from afar, but sometimes what we share with others not "close" to us reveals far more about us than the view to those who are, indeed, up close and personal.
Thank you for the warm, loving hugs and for the encouragement today. Sending just as many, if not more, right back at you.
Post a Comment