Living Happiness

My mom was in her late 20s when she packed up her apartment, sold her car, and boarded a plane that would take her to Germany … and four thousand miles away from the Florida town where she had grown up. Having worked and lived on her own for several years, having already left Florida to spend the past few years in Tennessee, she had begun to feel that her life held something more, that God had more in store for her, and she’d begun praying until the answer finally came in a series of “coincidences” that were anything but.

My mom arrived in Germany not knowing the language and only a few people and, even them, not very well. But she persevered and, in time, met her husband (my dad) and embarked on an even stranger life as a military wife and mom, living and working in England, New Mexico, and, eventually, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

My memories of my mom, growing up, are of her loves: old films and movie musicals – Dr. Zhivago, Gone with the Wind, The Fiddler on the Roof – from which I get her love; 50s rock and roll – of which I have memories of Saturday nights in the living room, learning to “twist;” and, always and above all, God, who (in her words) is “the center of who I am.”

From my mom I received the traditions I still keep: a new hat and dress on Easter Sunday, a spiral-baked ham and potato salad as the Easter meal, a Christmas Eve spread of finger foods (rather than turkey and fixings) as we gather to watch Mom’s favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Carol.

But mostly from my mom, I have received some of my own best qualities, the very best qualities I believe she possesses: strength and faith.

As I began thinking about this Mother’s Day post a few weeks ago, I began to realize that for all of the things I know and love about my mom, there were many things I still did not know – What were the unique challenges she faced in life? What were things most important to her? As is so often the case with so many of us, I had been watching my mom my whole life but … had I really seen her?

And so I asked my mom if it would be okay for me to interview her this Mother’s Day, to share her with the world as she shared herself with me. And she said, “Yes.”

So today’s post is a tribute to my mom, Carolyn. This is my mom as more than just a mom but as the woman she is. These are her words … about parenting … about herself.

When did you know you were ready to be a mom? or Did you ever feel ready to be a mom?

I think it is every woman’s desire to be a mother at some time in her life. I knew that one day, after I had met the right partner, I would want to have children. As a young girl I had taken care of my older siblings’ children. It seemed endless, and I saw much heartache for them. So I was not in any rush to make that an immediate thing to do after high school. I wanted to do things on my own before settling down to homemaking.

After I met your dad and we married, I knew it would be a natural thing to want children. This was not anything other than being in love with my husband, your dad. After a short time you came along. I was ready and wanting to be a mom.

What were you most frightened of about being a mom?

I can’t say that I was frightened of anything other than actually going through the labor process. I prepared as much as possible for that time and, when it came, I was frightened at the hospital. Actually, the hospital had just recently began to allow the husband to be in the room. This brought great comfort to me: not to be alone. Your dad was a great coach in the process.

What was your greatest difficulty as parent?

In the beginning days of being a mom there were times when I felt closed in and just doing “the baby thing” with little outside contact. This was hard because your dad would come home from work and I had been home all day wanting someone to talk to or just get out for a while. Men don’t understand that.

What was most challenging to you as a parent?

The most challenging part of parenting is wanting to be perfect and not make mistakes as a parent. Learning to discipline when and how and having agreement with your mate about the best way. The mom spends more time with the children, and the dad comes in wanting things to be a certain way … that is a great challenge. More personalities in the home means more tolerance and respect for each other.

What was your greatest joy as parent? What did you/do you enjoy most about being a mom?

My greatest moments as a parent were watching the growing and learning process of each of you and your sister. Being proud of your achievements and also feeling your love coming back to me is more important than anything money can buy.

What do you feel you’ve done right as a parent?

I hope I have instilled an appreciation for life and, also, the faith in God that was passed down to me from my mother. I pray that you are strong and will go forward no matter what obstacles come your way. Never give up! always knowing who you are.

G and I hope to begin a family in the next year or two. What is the best advice you can give us as (not yet) new parents?

It is so important to be respectful of each other’s differences and encourage the strengths of each other. Overlook the shortcomings and know that you can’t change each other.

Love and time change you, and you truly begin to resemble each other. For your dad and me, our putting God as the center and being faithful to him – these have met our every need.

Who are you when you’re not a wife, mom, sister, and friend?

I can’t not be a wife, mom, sister, or friend without belonging to God first , He who is the center of who I really am.

What is your greatest fear?

I don’t think much of fear. I know that I must have some. I guess my fears would be not having your father with me and him dying and leaving me alone. I don’t want to be left alone, and I don’t want my children to have to take care of me. I don’t want to be put in a home but would prefer that over being a burden. I don’t want to grow old and not be able to enjoy life and get around by myself.

What is your greatest joy?

My greatest joy of course is my children. I love the grandchildren with all their energies and personalities. I love my two daughters and miss our being closer. I don’t want to be so close that we take each other for granted but close enough to see each other more often.

What makes you laugh?

I love good funny movies. Right now I like the Chonda Pierce monologues.

When do you feel most fulfilled?

My most fulfilling moments are when I have my times of reflection and commune with God and know He is talking to me. I get affirmation about things, and this assures me of His great love for me.

What qualities do you like most about yourself?

I like being able to reason out problems. I like my analytical abilities. I like being able to understand financial issues and do the banking. I like my practical side and am not to heavy into deep reading.

What accomplishment in your life do you feel most proud of? or What are you most proud of in your life?

I am very proud to be a mother of two beautiful daughters and a loving husband of 36 years this month. We were told our marriage wouldn’t last because we had not spent enough time together to know each other. Believe me, I know your dad! He says better than he knows me!

What is your favorite time of day? Why?

My favorite time of day is early morning, waking up and having my coffee and being quiet, watching the news show and having my reflection time.

[I inherited this from her. My favorite time of day is early morning, waking up and having my tea or coffee, and just being still.]

What is your favorite song?

Favorite religious song – I’d Rather Have Jesus
Secular song – any of the love songs of Elvis!
[Side note: Mom has met Elvis and got his autograph.]

What is your favorite Scripture?

My favorite scripture I live by is Matthew 6:33:

But all of the verses just before that explain it all.

What dreams, if any, do you still have that you want to see fulfilled?

I still desire to travel and see more of the United States and, of course, go back to some of the other places I have lived and really be a tourist.

If you could give your 20-year-old self some advice, what would it be? What would you tell her?

Maybe if I were in my 20s now looking back, I would probably want to be a little younger having my children so I wouldn’t be so old watching my grandchildren come along. I think, though, that I am glad my life worked out as it did. I definitely should have finished my college studies and gotten a degree – one regret that I have about my life.

I hope this post encourages you today, if you have not already done so, to see the people around you in a new way, to look past what you already know to what you perhaps don’t know.

Of all the people I would want to get to know more, my mom is at the top of my list. I love you, Mom!

With love,

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A few weeks ago, I had the good fortune to stumble across a wonderful article in The Calm Space written by a blogger whom I’d never met before, Stacey Curnow of Midwife for Your Life. In her article, she wrote about inspiration and not giving up on one’s dream: something I very much needed to hear at the time … and which all of us probably need to be reminded of now and then.

Because this article was a guest post for Stacey, I immediately paid a visit to her own home ground, her own beautiful website, coaching platform, and blog: Midwife for Your Life. And I discovered that her passion for helping women give birth had naturally led to another purpose and passion: helping women give birth to a life they love.

One of the things that intrigued me most about Stacey was that she was a certified nurse-midwife: I’d never met a nurse-midwife before! Right away, I wanted to know more about her and how she chose such an interesting profession. And after reading the insightful, poignant, uplifting words of Midwife for Your Life (I’ve been visiting almost every day for a month now), I wanted to know more about how her passions and pursuits inform her work and her writing on a daily basis.

I let her know of my interest, and she responded in kind: she particularly liked a post I’d written in response to one of her posts. And we both agreed that it might be nice to get the word out about each other.

So today we have a special treat: Stacey has graciously agreed to an interview here at Living Happiness. And for those of you who missed my post, Remembering You, you can catch it again today over on Midwife for Your Life.

So without further ado, here is my delightful interview with Stacey about her amazing work and how she herself has given birth to the life she loves.

How did you make the decision to become a nurse-midwife? What sparked your interest in midwifery?

I could say my father and brother were physicians and that I’ve always been interested in women and health care, and that’s true, but really it comes down to the “Hand of God.” After I graduated from college, I worked as a nanny. When I thought of a long-term “career” I was clueless. One day I was looking through a free, local, parenting magazine for activities for my young charge and saw an ad for a women’s health center staffed by midwives. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.

I didn’t even know that midwives existed in a professional capacity – I thought they were the stuff of folklore – and I was intrigued. And that’s the moment I would say I felt the “Hand of God” – it seemed to be pushing me to this clinic. I was overdue for a yearly checkup, so I made an appointment and ended up talking for more than an hour with the midwife who did my exam.

I left there knowing that I wanted to be a midwife and that I would do whatever it took to become one. Good thing, too, because it took 7 years! That was almost 20 years ago, and I still love the profession as much as I believed and hoped I would the day I left that clinic.

You are also a life-coach and your business, which includes a website, blog, and series of coaching programs, is called Midwife for Your Life. What prompted you to begin it? What is the core message you hope to convey there?

I’m actually not “trained” or certified as a life coach, but when I first heard of the profession, I thought, “That’s what I do every day.”

Only a fraction of my work as a midwife has to do with physical aspects of care (like blood pressure or fetal heart rate). The vast majority of my time with a client involves listening to her dreams for the life that’s growing inside her, the birth she desires, and the mother she wants to become.

It’s all just perfectly complementary to life coaching – everyone is gestating new ideas, dreams, and goals for themselves all the time. As a midwife, I help women give birth to their babies. As a life coach, I can help anyone give birth to a life they love.

You have a new children’s book, Ravenna, that will be published later this spring. Can you tell us a little about the story and what inspired you to write it?

I’ve always loved children’s picture stories, and I filled bookshelves with them even before I had a child but never imagined writing one. That changed when, in preparation for my first child, I read a book on parenting, Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla Kabat-Zinn and Jon Kabat-Zinn. It included the story of Sir Gawain and the Loathly Lady: I loved the story but was a little dismayed that it revolved around physical beauty and romantic love.

I decided Ravenna would be my reinterpretation of the medieval legend. It’s about a boy who develops a magical relationship with a talking bear and finds his heart’s desire. Then he learns a lesson about freedom and friendship and must make a difficult choice. The story ends up being a celebration of autonomy, interconnectedness, and being in nature.

Let’s talk a little bit now about you as a person. If I were meeting you for the first time, what would my first impression of you be? Would I be correct?

Once in my 10th grade Social Studies class, we had to pair up with another student and talk to them for five minutes. We had to then come up with two words to describe the other person.

I was new to the school and nobody knew me, and even after talking to my partner about myself for five minutes, she said, “I don’t know her, I don’t have anything to say.” The teacher said, “Oh, I can tell you two words for Stacey: lovingly empathetic.” I almost burst into tears right there – the memory of it still brings tears to my eyes.

I felt like such an outsider, but somehow that teacher saw me. I don’t even know if I believed her – I was just so grateful she was kind and had something nice to say about me – but now I think, “Yes, that fits.” In any event, that’s who I want to be, and on my best days that’s who I am.

What qualities do you like most about yourself?

A quality I really like about myself is that I’m generally curious and cheerful. I’m interested in almost everything (except local politics, much to my husband’s chagrin) – I’m a “7” on the Enneagram: an “enthusiast,” someone who is always seeking new and exciting experiences.

I’m passionate about different cultures and really love traveling and learning new languages. I love when I find myself thinking, “I can’t wait to see how this turns out,” as I start any number of new adventures!

I also like that I’m pretty unselfconscious – I’d rather share my struggles than look like I’ve got it all together. For example, I can be deceitful, manipulative, petty, jealous and unkind – even quite recently! I’m not proud of these qualities, but they are a part of me. I just don’t believe they – or any qualities – define me. I’m so glad I know that!!! I’m learning to get my needs met in life without resorting to hurtful behavior … I want to be a better person. Who doesn’t?

Finally, I like that I’d always rather do something and do it poorly – even fail – than not try something because I was afraid. One of my favorite expressions (and I apply it to my business a lot) is “I’m building this plane as I’m flying it.”

What makes you laugh? How do you keep fun in your life?

This is another thing I like about myself: I love to laugh, and I laugh easily and often. My husband is hilarious and makes me laugh every day, although he would say he’s not that funny and I’m just an easy audience. (Just today he had me in stitches with a Winston Churchill impersonation.) And my just-turned-5-year-old son is also a constant source of mirth and merriment. And then there’s our crazy funny, 8-year-old Jack Russell terrier. Really, our family is a madcap menagerie!

I also make spending time with my girlfriends a priority. I see at least one of them every week, either for lunch, a walk, or a margarita.

If you could give your 20-year old self some advice, what would it be? What would you tell her?

When I was 20 I had no idea who I wanted to be when I grew up. As I mentioned, my father was a physician and my older brother was in medical school, and I perceived a lot of pressure to choose an “important” profession, but as I mentioned earlier, too, I’m an “enthusiast,” so a lot of different paths looked attractive to me.

I didn’t know how to make the decision of which path to choose. So my advice to my 20-year old self would be to choose. Just commit. One of my favorite quotes is from Scottish mountaineer, W.H. Murray:

I could never have imagined how my life would open up to me after I made my decision to become a midwife. And I believe 100% that it would have opened as fully to me if I had pursued any other path – because this has definitely held true for any other dream or goal I’ve committed to.

Another of my favorite quotes is from Einstein: «It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.» I would say to my 20-year-old self, “Stick with your decision, stay committed.”

Thank you so much Stacey for taking the time today to share yourself, your work, and your passion with my readers. It’s been a pleasure getting to know you a bit more, and I hope that we will continue to be able to support one another in our endeavours.

With this in mind, I would like to share the following with our readers:

Special Note: Stacey is giving a FREE teleseminar on 4 Simple Steps to Give Birth to a Life You Love! tomorrow on Thursday, May 6th, at 8 pm EST. You can register for this special call by clicking here.

Stacey Curnow works as a certified nurse-midwife in North Carolina, and is the founder of Midwife for Your Life: a website, blog, and series of coaching programs designed to help women give birth to a life they love.

For more than 15 years her career has taken her from western Indian reservations to a center-city Bronx hospital to the mountains of southwestern Mexico. Many of her articles have been published in print magazines and online.

Stacey received her nursing degree from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and her master’s degree in midwifery from Yale University. She has been a student of positive psychology for years and has applied it to her midwifery and coaching practices with great success.

She lives in Asheville, NC, with her husband, her young son, Ruby the Wonder Chicken, and Ruby’s sidekick: Spencer the Wonder Dog.

Stacey, it’s been a pleasure. Thank you.

Namaste,